Ways to become a better listener

Family, Parenting & Relationships · 5 min read

Most of us think we are decent listeners, and most of us are wrong. We nod while composing our reply, glance at our phone, or jump in with advice before the other person has finished. Real listening is a skill, and it is one of the cheapest ways to improve friendships, marriages, parenting and work. Here are ten habits to practise.

1. Put the phone away, fully

A phone face-down on the table still tells the other person that something else might matter more. Silence it and put it out of sight, or at least say, "Give me a second to finish this, then I am all yours". Even the visible presence of a phone has been shown in studies to reduce the feeling of connection in conversation.

2. Give your full attention with your body

Turn towards the person, make natural eye contact, and let your face show you are following. You do not need to stare; look away occasionally. Small signals such as nodding or an "mm-hmm" tell the speaker you are with them. Stop doing other tasks, like cooking or typing, whenever possible, and if you truly cannot, say so honestly and offer another time.

3. Do not interrupt

Interrupting, even to agree or help, signals that your thoughts matter more. Let the speaker finish a sentence, and then a pause longer than feels comfortable. Often people say the most important part after a pause. If you tend to blurt out thoughts, jot a keyword on paper so you can return to it later.

4. Listen to understand, not to reply

Notice when your mind is rehearsing your answer. That is the moment you have stopped listening. Try focusing only on their words, their tone and what they might be feeling. Your reply will come more naturally once you have fully heard them.

5. Reflect back what you heard

Summarise in your own words: "So you are worried that the deadline is unrealistic and nobody has asked how you are coping?" This shows you listened and gives the speaker a chance to correct you. It is especially helpful during tense conversations because it slows things down. Avoid parroting; paraphrase.

6. Ask open, curious questions

Closed question	Open alternative
Did you have a bad day?	What was the hardest part of today?
Are you angry?	What is going through your mind right now?
Did you like the school?	What was the best bit of the visit?
Is that a good idea?	What made you think of that approach?

Follow-up questions such as "What happened next?" or "How did that feel?" show real interest. Avoid "why" questions in emotional moments if they sound accusing; "what led to that?" can feel gentler.

7. Resist the urge to fix

When someone shares a problem, we often rush to offer solutions. Sometimes that is helpful, but often they just want to be heard first. Ask: "Do you want advice, or would you rather I just listen right now?" This one question can prevent many arguments, especially between spouses and between parents and teenagers. Likewise, avoid minimising feelings with lines like "it is not a big deal" or "others have it worse".

8. Notice what is not being said

A person's tone, pace, posture and facial expressions often carry more than their words. If someone says "I am fine" with a flat voice and folded arms, gently check in: "You sound a bit tired. Is everything okay?" Be careful not to assume you know what they feel; offer observations and let them confirm.

9. Be comfortable with silence

We tend to rush to fill pauses. But silence gives people room to think, find the right words, and say the harder thing. Count slowly to five before responding. In cultures where elders and children are expected to stay quiet, deliberately inviting a child's opinion with "Tell me more" can be especially powerful.

10. Follow up later

Showing you remembered is a strong signal of care: "How did your meeting with the doctor go?" or "Did your sister's exam work out?" Jot a note on your phone if you need a reminder. This turns a single conversation into a relationship.

Tip: Try the "10-minute listening experiment" each day for a week. With one person, listen without interrupting, advising or checking a screen, and notice how the conversation changes.

Common listening traps

• Topping: "That is nothing, wait until you hear what happened to me." It turns the spotlight to you.
• Multitasking: Pretending to listen while scrolling or working.
• Assuming: Deciding what someone will say before they finish.
• Judging: Reacting with criticism too early, which makes people close up.
• Distracted environments: Trying to talk about something important in a noisy or crowded space. Move somewhere quieter.

Listening with children and in the workplace

For children, get down to their eye level and give them your full attention, even briefly. Kids who feel heard are more likely to share bigger worries as they grow. At work, repeat back key points of instructions or feedback, take brief notes in meetings, and ask for clarification instead of guessing. Colleagues notice who listens, and it builds trust.

Final thoughts

Better listening does not require a personality change, only practice. Choose one or two habits, such as putting your phone away and asking one more question, and use them this week. If a loved one shares something that suggests they are in serious distress, such as hopelessness or thoughts of self-harm, listen, take it seriously, and encourage them to seek professional help or contact a helpline.